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Do we need another Nolan Commission?
Not many people know that Bernie Nolan, who plays Superintendent Adam Okaro in Britain’s top TV cop drama The Bill, started out as one of the Nolan Sisters, the all-singing, all-dancing, all-Irish, entirely-composed-of-fermented-curd sororal sex-sensation of the sizzling Seventies.
She’s not the only ex-Nolan Sister to have reared her head in an unlikely kettle of fish.
Would you believe Princess Michael of Kent was born Michaela O’Nolan-Begorrah, but changed her name to Windsor because it sounded ‘more Irish’?
Or that Davina and Lauretta Nolan, who once came to blows on the set of Top of the Pops over whether their legs were eight feet long or only seven foot ten, are now David Davis and Dr Liam Fox, rivals for the leadership of the UK’s powerful Conservative Party?
At least three former Nolan Sisters are known to hold senior posts in the Russian security services, while Ryvita Nolan – ‘The Bubbliest One’ – is now His All Holiness Archbishop Bartholomew of Constantinople, Ecumenical Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church.
Highly-trained squads of ex-Nolan Sisters are rumoured to be carrying out secret operations in western Iran. A flotilla of former Nolan Sisters patrols the coast of Afghanistan to prevent the export of substances other than heroin.
As we can see from this satellite photograph, vast hordes of renegade Nolan Sisters are now advancing across sub-Saharan Africa, devouring everything in their path.
The resulting pressure on the world’s reserves of Guinness, lipgloss and plastic shamrocks will cause ecological disaster unless they agree to stop mucking about and go home and get proper jobs in a zip-up panda factory and behave like normal Irish women with low expectations and unpleasant, insanitary husbands, or, failing that, if they will at least stop BLOODY SINGING, if only for a moment, please.
That’s all, gentlemen. To your places.
BETTY said…
I should say that I have what in modern parlance is called an "issue" with the Nolan Sisters (1970's Division). For about 5 years they ruined my life, because all provincial hairdressers were obviously under strict instructions to "do a Nolans" on clients' hair, regardless of race, gender or personal preference. Having nice short bouncy nice shiny hair with flicky bits then has left me bitter, twisted, cold, indifferent and emotionally disconnected in later years.
TOASTY replied…
Worry not, Betty, a terrible psychic revenge has been taken on all provincial hairdressers.
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