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Don’t tell ME not to throw stones, matey
Aghast at the news that Edinburgh’s Glasshouse Hotel has just been named the most stylish in Scotland.
What about my own venture, The Lundqvist Excelsior-Kabin & Executive Fritter Motel, huh?
I personally laid twelve tons of crazy paving in the Honeymoon Suite and stapled £500 worth of drip-dry orange nylon to the walls of the Banqueting Hole.
If that ain’t style, what is?
My tastefully retro-themed restaurant ‘Smurfs Go Starkers’ is the only Scottish eaterie listed in the Mitchell-in Guide, a book I’ve just launched which will eventually name all the places in Britain that have ever had anyone called Mitchell in them, if I can be bothered.
Why not boogie the night away in my royal-blue temperance disco The Malfunctioning Glitterball, or chill out in Scotland’s first organic jacuzzi, as soon as I’ve forced the bloke who’s meant to kneel underneath it blowing through a straw to get his hips fixed?
I know the Glasshouse has a rooftop garden, but believe me, we’ve got all that in the kitchen.
Frankly these Scottish Style Awards are a national disgrace, and as for Edith Bowman, who’s said to have hosted them, I don’t know who she is but I think she should be thoroughly ashamed of herself, do you hear?
I am honoured to find myself featured on a web page entitled ‘free+sex+com+girls+porn+pics+black+nude+adult+satra+http://sex70.info/kuma+satra.html’.
At last Toasty’s Futon is becoming known in the very best circles.
(Don’t go there though, it’s a portal to God knows what. This has been a public service announcement.)
(REAL) DEATHS IN SEPTEMBER 2005
6 September: Mark Reynolds, muscular dystrophy sufferer who used to eat flower arrangements, particularly daffodils. 15 September: Lord Kingsale, Premier Baron of Ireland, plumber, silage pit builder, kitchen fitter, bingo caller and unsuccessful vendor of his ancestral castle, which is around a foot tall at its highest point. 23 September: Betty Leslie-Melville, author of Walter Warthog and There’s a Rhino in the Rose Bed, Mother. 27 September: John McCabe, Exhausted Ruler of the Sons of the Desert, who rigorously enforced the rule that ‘the officers and board members at large shall have absolutely no authority’, and co-founder of the Unicorn Hunters, compilers of an annual list of ‘banned words’ based on fashionable over-use. 30 September: Sig Frohlich, last of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz.
PETER said…
And of course, Percy (Robert) Wilson - today, but really six years ago on this date.
Doesn't time just fly when you're enjoying you're self, Toasty?
TOASTY replied…
Doesn’t it just?
God rest him.
TOASTY added…
And I’ve only now read your beautiful post about him (partly).
SIMON said…
And at which end is the straw to be inserted, exactly?
SURLY GIRL said…
my dad had a friend who used to eat daffodils. he died of stomach cancer (the friend not the dad) but i'm sure that's entirely unrelated.
TOASTY replied…
Simon – why not check in and find out for yourself? I can promise you an experience that will be very difficult to forget.
Surly Girl – you’re probably right. A few daffodils now and then, in moderation, taken with plenty of water, harm no one (if you don’t mind jaundice). It’s when you move on to gladioli and chrysanthemums that the paramilitary health squads start smashing down your door and abducting you – as I found out the hard way.
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