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The Man With No Name
I do wish the rest of you would show as much house spirit as our dear old friend Anonymous.
In the space of a single hour on Wednesday morning he contributed a jaw-dropping five comments on my post about the evils of the clavichord.
‘I agree with your post.’ Well, you can’t say fairer than that. ‘Loved your blog site! Bookmarked it.’ Already I know we are destined to be together for all time.
‘Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!’ Well, thanks and all that, but didn’t you tell me you already had bookmarked me?
‘Hey, there what a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!’ So that’s three bookmarks already. Is the guy hooked on the perverse thrill of bookmarking Toasty’s Futon?
‘Your blog is very topic specific and should do very well.’ Topic specific? The Futon? What topic would that be, pray?
‘Keep up the good work.’ Work? Don’t use that word in this house.
Anonymous must be an industrious fellow, as he has not only a free game poker site/blog, which, he reveals, ‘pretty much covers free game poker related stuff’, but also a diabetic drugs site, which ‘pretty much covers diabetic drugs related stuff’, and a ‘relocating to’ site, which ‘pretty much covers relocating to related stuff.’
As a counsellor I’m seeing more and more young women with relocating to related worries. What a joy to have somewhere to send them, other than the chip shop behind the mortuary, which is my usual fall-back.
There’s more: ‘Hey check this out--you're going to love this site.Visit this art site!’ According to Toggle Field Codes, the site is entitled KGHomeIncome.com, implying a somewhat mercenary approach to one’s art.
How about ‘Romenesko’s site’, whoever Romenesko may be, and I do hope he isn’t that toothless old woman who keeps trying to stand on her head in the sub-post-office?
‘A must read for media insiders’ (which rules me out), Romenesko’s site often creates ‘a hot debate throughout the journalism community’ (community? You mean these creatures actually talk to each other?) by ‘its unique combining of news and rumors’ (unique? You’re not from round here, I can tell).
Most outlandish of all is a hotlink entitled ‘Rainbow Vacuum Manual Information’. Is this some method of obtaining a crock of gold by suction? It was all so much more romantic in Judy’s day…
Furthermore, Anonymous is just the chap to brief us on the latest controversy.
Apparently ‘there is a storm in a tea cup brewing in the blogosphere over the decision by Microsoft to use the term “web feed” in place of RSS in the new version of Internet Explorer’. That noise you can hear is the entire blogosphere yawning in unison.
And he’s not afraid of surprising us: ‘Blogs have been known to comment on a variety of issues.’ Bloody hell. Amazing what you learn, huh?
I hope I’ve quoted enough to show the range, and depth, of our dear friend’s musings. As was said of Shakespeare, all human life is here.
And as was said to Shakespeare, piss off out of it, you baldy-headed, goatee-bearded, jabbering, drivelling, second-best-bed-bequeathing, can’t-even-spell-his-own-name-consistently, jumped-up, overrated, ludicrously attired excuse for an itinerant faeces vendor, or I’ll set fire to your pantaloons.
WHAT THE PROPER BLOGGERS ARE SAYING
Commiserations to Mike who’s having a bit of cop trouble (continued here); to Caroline, who’s had a nasty experience on a staircase in Rome; and to Peter, who has loads of horrible buzzing stinging things in his roofspace (so have I, but in my case they’re bailiffs, and they’re not coming out until they promise to stop kicking me, damn it).
The Merkin is genial about my unacknowledged love-child Boris Johnson MP, while Vicus Scurra has had a spot of bother on Boris’s website (I blame myself).
On another plane is Simon’s heartfelt posting on the loss of his ‘surrogate grandmother’ and about his own life in Hungary over the past fourteen years. Friendship, death, drink, faith, arm-wrestling, discovering that you somehow belong in what’s supposed to be an alien culture – two thousand words and all of ’em worth it. Can’t link to it directly, but click here and scroll down to ‘Ya Gotta Have…’ on July 22.
Simon’s now having a hiatus, as are Adam and David [this was a link to David Hadley’s now discontinued blog ‘Stuff and Nonsense’]. Even the indispensable Willie said he was probably going to have one, though it seems he was just bluffing.
But if what you want is a real, no messing, weapons-grade hiatus, spontaneous, prolonged, and likely to be repeated almost at once, there’s only one blog for you and it’s Toasty’s Futon – Home Of The Hiatus since March 2005.
Beware of imitations.
STOP PRESS: Don’t miss Willie’s funny and touching account today of his friendship with Mo Mowlam.
CAROLINEM said…
Just a moment - you've stolen my Bloody Hell.
And thank-you for the mention..
TOASTY replied…
It’s not your Bloody Hell, it belongs to The People!
ANONYMOUS said…
Your Blog seems to be right on target. I'm attempting a site about Handwriting Analysis and being a novice it's somewhat hard. The words in it are graphology as a reflection of character and others similar. If you have time would you give some feedback about it ? I'd appreciate it.
ANONYMOUS also said…
Bush Breaks Vacation Record
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CAROLINEM said…
Bloody hell - as we both say.
Topic specific: is there an uglier pairing of the English language anywhere?
I throw my gauntlet down and expect a fine post about truly-horrible-words- in-conjunction.
ABISHAG said…
‘its unique combining of news and rumors’ (unique? You’re not from round here, I can tell).'
You can't leave us in suspenders - come on you mean bugger and tell us where the hell you've found a journalist who includes some news in with the rumours!!
ANONYMOUS said…
I just woke up from my nap. I dreamt I attended a courtroom hearing wearing nothing but my bathrobe. Imagine mhy horror when I woke up to find it was all a dream!
Did any thing happen while I was gone?
TOASTY replied…
Not really. Just the usual enormous Freudian symbols flying in through the French windows and chasing us round the sofa which takes ages because suddenly we’re only three inches tall and getting married to W G Grace even though we hate him and a woman on the telly says nectarines are more intelligent than dolphins so we immediately set out for the planet Jupiter on snowshoes... I just wish I could get some sleep.
Oh, come on, Abishag, there are loads of journalists who put a few shreds of news in with the rumours, why, I could reel off their names at the drop of a hat, truly I could, I just don’t happen to feel like it at this precise minute, which is my right as a free person, so why are you looking at me like that, I think you must have issues.
Truly horrible words in conjunction, Caroline? Hmmm. ‘John Selwyn Gummer’ comes to mind. Which is probably why I can’t sleep.
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