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Tinklings of Doom
Why is there so little media coverage of the current epidemic of clavichord-related injuries?
In the past two centuries alone:
♦ a 51-year-old woman in Banff sustained four broken fingers when the lid of her clavichord fell on her hands
♦ two schoolgirls in Lyme Regis needed splinters removed from their fingertips with tweezers after playing a clavichord, one of the keys of which had been slightly damaged
♦ an elderly nun was forced to endure ‘auditory discomfort’ by overhearing Mr Jimmy ‘Five Bellies’ Gardner attempting to play a clavichord
♦ the former British Prime Minister Lord Palmerston sprained his ankle by tripping over a clavichord while intoxicated
♦ President Fidel Castro of Cuba narrowly escaped death when CIA agents in a helicopter tried to drop a clavichord on him.
Here at the Toasty’s Futon Foundation for Unconvincing Denial of Chronic Anxiety we’ve been working on this terrible problem for such a long time that frankly it’s all got on top of us, I mean we can’t expose ourselves to this kind of raw human suffering month after month without it having an effect on us can we, in fact we’ve had to take the last six months off work because of the awful STRESS we’ve been under due to this clavichord REIGN OF TERROR which is why we never wrote our desperately needed report Thumping The Ivories: Six Steps To Driving The CLAV SCUM Off Our Streets.
(Please note, ‘Streets’ here is a metaphor, most clavichord-related maimings occur indoors, but you’re never safe, there may be a clavichord lying in wait round the very next corner of the sleepiest country lane, could we have another research grant please, we’re sorry about drinking the last one?)
ANONYMOUS said…
RSS v Web Feeds: sticking up for Microsoft
Duncan Riley> In case you've missed it there is a storm in a tea cup brewing in the blogosphere over the decision by Microsoft to use the term "web feed" in place of RSS in the new version of Internet Explorer ...
Lookin good, loved your blog site! Bookmarked it.
I have a free game poker
site/blog. It pretty much covers free game poker related stuff.
Come see it when you get time.
ANONYMOUS also said…
Converting one off visitors
Keeping one off visitors is a perinial problem with all serious blogs, serious as in they look for regular visitors as opposed to search engine traffic only.
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
I have a relocating to site. It pretty much covers relocating to related stuff.
Come and check it out if you get time :)
ANONYMOUS also said…
Blogs have been known to comment on a variety of issues, ranging from the latest "Here is what I think" type of blog to the latest big movie release to the newest computer on the market. Your blog is very topic specific and should do very well. Keep up the good work.
Also, you might want to look at two very important, topic-specific blogs for some ideas. MediaNews (www.poynter.org/medianews) and (www.iwantmedia.com). First started in 1999 as independent sites. Romenesko's site is particularly interesting for being a must read for media insiders, often creating a hot debate throughout the journalism community, because of its unique combining of news and rumors.
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ANONYMOUS ALSO said…
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THE MERKIN said…
Toasty, I see you're very popular between 8 and 9 in the morning amongst poker-playing, relocating (?), diabetic, arty types with a desire to vacuum pack their genitalia. Were it possible to have such popularity, such readership, such SUCCESS!
I digress. Clavichords are nothing. You are nothing ... more than part of the conspiracy to disguise the epidemic of Harpsichord-related maimings in the UK over the last 4 years. And claiming that a "clav" is hiding behind a "chav" (cf"The Streets" aka Mike Skinner) is a whitewash behind a smokescreen behind a futon.
Mr Hadly would never be so sloppy. Ban the Harp. Sichord.
CAROLINEM said…
Can you just imagine Toasty's little face light up when he see's all the comments? And then fall abruptly when he realises...
Run after them and hit them with a splintery clavicord Toasty.
SURLY GIRL said…
"perinial" - sounds vaguely childbirthy to me - aren't you supposed to rub oil into it?
BETTY said…
There was a series of vile murders of elderly men in Norton Canes, Staffs., in the 1920's. Chillingly, all the victims were garrotted ... using clavichord wire.
TOASTY replied…
After this lapse of time it’s safe to reveal that the killer was myself.
You see, those elderly men had been going around saying that sometimes I didn’t reply to comments for weeks on end.
As you all well know, that is TOTALLY UNTRUE, so who can blame me from becoming PSYCHOTICALLY ENRAGED when people start going around saying it?
I mean, here I am, right this minute, replying to comments, and if anyone claims the comments were made in response to a posting dated 16 August and it’s now 18 September, all I can say is that any such suggestion is beneath contempt and you’ll be hearing from my solicitors, you treacherous churl, you spawn of Chegwin.
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