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More topics that ought to be on the Web...
The full title of this posting was ‘More topics that ought to be on the Web, but Google can’t find them’
Clock made of pork
Embroidered Kalashnikovs
How to thwart Yorkshiremen
I married a tuning fork
Weekend Breaks in Delirium
Survive the Townswomen’s Guild
Distilling linctus from breezeblocks
Attlee: Lust For Glory
Carve Her Name With Ostentatious Indifference
Boasting about your Haemorrhoids
Kamikaze Mah Jong
From Alpha Centauri to Feltham Young Offenders’ Institution: A Progress
Clandestine Kippers
Unaccustomed as I am to public disembowelling…
Naff or Numinous?
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(REAL) DEATHS IN JULY 2005
7 July: Jocelyn Rickards, who had sex with Graham Greene in a flowerbed in Battersea Park. 9 July: Derek Aylward, whose plaster cast of his own erect penis was confiscated and turned into a table lamp by Binkie Beaumont. 18 July: Gerry Thomas, inventor of the TV dinner. 20 July: Josefina de Vasconcellos, last surviving contributor to the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition of 1926. 24 July: Sir Richard Doll, who died shortly after retiring at the age of 92 because he didn’t want to move into the newly constructed Richard Doll Building. 27 July: Betty Astell, who in 1914, aged two, appeared at the London Coliseum as an egg.
ANONYMOUS said…
Hey.. your too serious! LOL Kidding.
Please look me over at how to stop premature ejaculation for free [this was a hotlink to Premature-Ejaculation-Help.info, which seemed to be automatically redirecting its visitors to a site called Bird Secrets] If your not into how to stop premature ejaculation for free you'll b bored. ;-)
SURLY GIRL said…
um, ?
i really don't know where to begin with that one....
DAVID HADLEY said…
Try these then:
Bulbous Contentions
Fried Caretaker
The Dance of the Sugar-Plum Stockbroker
The Orgy in a Bouncy Castle
The Tortoises of Doom
Transvestite Hamsters
I've got more....
SURLY GIRL said…
i meant the first comment. altho obviously now, under pressure, i can't think of a single thing.
evaporating midgets?
ooh, it's just like googlewhacking.
CAROLINEM said…
Feel sure you could find the Atlee one if you really tired.
TOASTY replied…
Oh, believe me, Caroline, I really, really tired…
Anonymous: premature ejaculation has been my lifelong hobby. I’ll have you know I have prematurely ejaculated before many of the crowned heads of Europe. And you want me to stop? – just when I’m reaching Olympic standard? Nonetheless, I did click on your link, like the courteous old panama-hatted gentleman I am, only to find it was redirecting me to something called Bird Secrets. How dare you, sir? In my view birds are entitled to their privacy like the rest of us. It’s shameful the way they’ve been hounded by seedy paparazzi like the late Sir Peter Scott.
David: You show promise. I’m happy to take you on as my (self-funded) apprentice, tea boy and perpetual curate, with the duty of writing Toasty’s Futon every day whenever I’m in a persistent vegetative state (which, as regular visitors will know, is most of the time). As far as I can establish, you have only three websites of your own, so don’t give me any of that stuff about ‘too busy’ and ‘you smell’ and ‘calling a policeman’.
As for evaporating midgets, Surly Girl, don’t get me started.
And thanks for looking in, everyone. Sorry about the latest prolonged absence.
DAVID HADLEY said…
Ah, I may only have three websites now, but you wait....
Soon all your websites belong to us.
Soon, very soon, my pretties will fly and every single website in the world will be full of complete and utter bolloc.... Ah.
Damn, it looks like they've beaten me to it again.
THE MERKIN said…
Now that's always confused me. "Premature Ejaculation". Premature for whom exactly? It actually occurs at exactly the same time as my orgasm, so that's hardly premature is it? IS IT, missus? Premature would be as you're walking down the street to the cinema, or browsing the menu at "Caffe Uno", or as you're paying the taxi driver. Now that's a mdeical condition -
"Doctor, I always ejaculate 34 minutes and 11 seconds before my orgasm"
"Aha, my son, you have what we in the trade call a 'premature' ejaculatory episode. There are lots of spam websites about it, I suggest you open a Hotmail account - you'll soon be inundated with offers."
"Thank you doctor, I must go now I'm scheduled to have intercourse with my wife at 5.30"
"But it's 4.55 now"
"Is it? Oh God, oh no, eeeeeeeeeeugh ... aaaaaaaaah... mmmnmmm"
BUZZ "Miss Haversham, will you come into the consulting room please, with some tissues?".
TOASTY replied…
And so perish all enemies of the Queen.
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