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Episcopal as a newt
Dismayed to learn from the television news that I’ve just been appointed Archbishop of York.
First I’d heard of it. You’d have thought they’d have had the courtesy to let me know before everyone else.
But it’s manifestly true, because there I was on the screen, dolled up in a cassock, toddling into York Minster as bold as sticky-backed formica brass-substitute, as used in all Michael Winner’s homes.
Jolly impressive that I knew the way in, really. As far as I recall, I’ve only been to York once before today, and most of that visit was devoted to retching into a bottle-bank.
Must remember not to do that again, now I’m an Archbishop.
But let’s look at the bright side. At last I shall have the chance to speak out fearlessly on those great national issues that concern us all. Far too many people are mispronouncing the word ‘serviette’. Cribbage leagues are collapsing for lack of support.
When was the last time you saw a cabmen’s shelter, or a mustard plaster, or a merry-andrew, or an ignis fatuus?
If such things as these are lost to us, we might as well give up completely and feed ourselves into an electric pencil sharpener, one after another.
So I shall say in my inaugural sermon, which I intend to base on the text: ‘Printed in England by Eyre & Spottiswoode Limited, Her Majesty’s Printers, London.’
In view of my new responsibilities I’ve started reading the Bible, and that’s as far as I’ve got. Amen.
[Later]
My sister keeps phoning to say it wasn’t me at all, it was just a fault on the horizontal hold. Personally I think she is becoming quite ill.
VICUS SCURRA said…
Of course it is you. I voted for you. I think the people of Yorkshire deserve nothing less.
SCOTT said…
Marvelous stuff, young Toasty. It's all very you. Bishop of York, eh? I will promptly burn you at the stake next time I see you...
TOASTY replied…
Thank you, Vicus. I knew she was hallucinating. Otherwise how could I have heard her voice when she wasn’t present?
And it’s Archbishop if you don’t mind, Scott old bean. I grew up in the Seventies when we all understood about differentials.
SCOTT said…
I grovel in apology. I am off to an uninhabited island in the Lofoten Islands to repent for a year wearing sackcloth.
TOASTY replied…
That’s the spirit.
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