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Worst Ever Food & Drink
Doctor Thorwald’s Linctus ~ I received a daily dose of this for the first six months of my life. Then I exploded, slaying eight.
Chanctonbury Mivvens ~ My Great-Aunt Gerald inflicted these on all her visitors. They consisted of marzipan, sultanas and congealed sump oil. In her final years she was exceedingly lonely.
Fried Plumber ~ This used to be served at school on every other Wednesday. We assumed, wrongly as it turned out, that the name was satirical.
Hawtrey’s Piss ~ Once a familiar local brew in the West Country. First thing I ever got drunk on, in 1972, during a Downward Bound course for juvenile incompetents at Failingwell, Dorset. I woke up in hospital in Eritrea. The brewery has since shut down and been demolished, after which the bricks and stones of which it was composed were pulverized and fired into outer space.
Steve’s Special ~ There was always a person called Steve in every student house. He only knew how to cook one thing. It was indescribably disgusting and usually contained haricot beans, fag ends, raw rhubarb and squashed cheese’n’onion crisps.
Live Plucked Emu ~ The low point of my career as a diplomat.
WILLIE LUPIN said…
You omitted from this list my late Grandmother's fairy cakes which can be found in many dry stone walls in the County of Gloucestershire and were also used in the construction of the road surface of the M4.
TOASTY replied…
One of them was flung at me in 1979 in Soweto by an angry mob who had mistaken me for Godfrey Winn. To this day you can see the hole in my cheek where it entered and the gap in the back of my head where it came out. Sometimes it amuses me to insert a length of string into the former and tease it out through the latter as if threading a needle. They were damn fine fairy cakes, Willie.
WILLIE LUPIN said…
I wish it had been Godfrey Winn on the receiving end but I'm glad you bear no lasting grudge against my family.
I think it was Godfrey Winn of whom it was first said that 'he had a great future behind him'.
TOASTY replied…
I understand he was known in certain circles as Winifred God.
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