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A sorry bunch
As a graduate recruiter of thirty years’ experience, I am increasingly concerned at the low calibre of many applicants.
Here is a not untypical letter received yesterday.
dere mistah lindqvutts!
i inclose my aplickayshon 4 the post Ov gradaute traineey wif you’re orgunizayshon,
az u kan see from my Kurikullum Vitty; I studdid Klassix at unniversity kollege ocksfrod b4 tay-king a. MARSTARS degreee in as-tro’fizzicks at Trinny Tea kollege kaimbridj + also a “DOK”-tor-ait in meddy evil ling gwistix att unnivrestiy of bRiSt0L?
fur thur maw i hav EMM-BEE-AY frum unniversity of kolumbee-arr In unnited’ Straits, u may hav hurd of itt;
i am konfiddant that i kan diss-charj the DEW-teas of graduate trayneee as staytid in you’re addvertissmentt i.e. open lettars: maik tea: jenrul kleening: other dew-TEES as re-KWAI-urd.
i look 4ward 2 x-panding on theez poyntes at inta phew.
your’s faith(fooly)=
erasmus einstein junior
It seems not to have dawned on this wretched youth that recruiters are not interested in a mere recital of so-called academic achievements.
What we look for is, first of all, evidence of a rounded human being with a wide range of interests; also a preliminary letter written on really posh, thick, creamy textured notepaper with a coat of arms at the top that we can take home and show our nearest and dearest in the hope they’ll stop wailing about how we’re pathetic losers and they never should have married us; thirdly, a bundle of fifty-pound notes; and, most important of all, someone who isn’t going to turn round and take us to an employment tribunal on the grounds that we misrepresented the nature of our company and the employment offered, as well as smelling of contaminated herring.
You may laugh – but it happened last year. And in the five preceding ones.
THE MERKIN said…
Dear Toasty
Pater said to apply for a sinecure at your organisation because his matron once shared a carriage at Ascot with your Great Aunt. Furthermore, my house does not have a number, and my great-great-grandmother "knew" Lloyd George. You'll find my Coutts Account number on the enclosed Smythson calling card, and I take it we'll never have to actually do anything as unpleasant as "work" in one of those "offices". I'll save a table for you at Boodles.
Yours etc
Baxter Ferret
c/o Whites Club
Pall Mall
(atn: unpaid debts dept)
TOASTY replied…
Now, this is something like!
Would you mind if I brought my spouse and children and twelve other people I’m trying to impress?
As it happens, my house doesn’t have a number either, but that’s because it isn’t in a street, it’s on a municipal tip, and it isn’t exactly a house, strictly speaking.
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