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The Futonian
At the start of term we welcomed Mr. Y. O. Y. Redd-Topp (Current Affairs), Mrs. K. Y. Ghelliigghh (Home Economics), Mr. N. M. E. Simm-Pathiza (Revisionist History), Mr. R. T. Ponce (Conceptual Tapestry) and Mr. R. K. O. Rady-O’Pickchass (Obsolete Media Studies). We were very sorry they all had to leave after two weeks.
But every ill wind has a silver lining, and we were happy to welcome back Dr. ‘Barking’ McSenile (Staff 1918-72) who gallantly came out of retirement for the forty-third time and ‘held the fort’ in all departments until his inadvertent destruction of Dining Hall brought the term to a premature close.
This year’s School Play, Marat/Sade by Peter Weiss, didn’t please everyone but was enjoyed by all who took part, many of whom were detained in mental hospital as a direct result. Long live the cause of authenticity!
The Confirmation Weekend was conducted by the Rt. Rev. ‘Fingers’ Letts-Scarper, Suffragan Bishop of Wormwood Scrubs, and marred only by the baffling loss of all our seventeenth-century silverware.
How many schools can boast of having their own crack den? We rejoiced in that distinction for several weeks, until the thoughtless action of three junior boys in machine-gunning the Steward led to police involvement and the loss of a facility that had been appreciated by the whole community.
The Common Room made an impact on the wider world, with Miss N. B. G. Cheeze-Tartt coming a very creditable ninety-ninth in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, while Mr. B. N. P. Supp-Porter’s book on Islamic civilisation was publicly burned in twenty countries.
Congratulations to Harry Knowe-Hoper (Praefectus of the Upper Sixth) who obtained not one but two GCSEs, our finest result for many a year. Harry is hoping to be accepted into Basingstoke Shed of Remedial Education through the prestigious ‘clearing’ process.
Next term will commence on September 3rd, or whenever the Senior Management Team are paroled. Parents should note that pupils must bring with them at least twelve pounds of Cornish Fudge, to which the Headmaster’s new mistress is very partial.
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