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Can you help us?
We’re trying to locate the following readers of Toasty’s Futon who seem to have disappeared, like all other readers of Toasty’s Futon. If you have any knowledge of their whereabouts, please notify the Bursar’s Suppository.
Enid Pellgrave, born 1901. Known to be knitting a complete replica of the Bayeux Tapestry. May be using the name ‘Psychokiller’.
Gillian Hecatombs, born 1964. Last heard of in Bogotá, selling Jacobean panelling door-to-door. Very distinctive appearance, as she never quite comes into focus. Sings madrigals constantly. May need to be shot.
Vikki-Jakki Worsnip, born 1958. Novelty banjo artiste. Was in Antarctica in July 2003, causing mass migration of penguins to Nigeria.
Thorley McSpackman, born 1942. Tremendous old bore. Has worked as film extra, exam invigilator, kitchen porter, poll tax collector, ward clerk, call-centre operative, embalming assistant and scraper-off of pigeon droppings. Briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in 1991. May be reminiscing in otherwise empty bar.
Hugo Shoddingwell, born 1988. Attended Eton College, as a desk. Rumoured to be living in west London on the carpet of a person called ‘good old Skroffo, chuck us some more of that stuff will you’ and trying to break into organised crime.
Moo-Moo Beasley, date of birth unknown. No family living. Movements unclear. May not exist. Owes me £75 and a steak dinner.
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