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How to get rid of a hangover
(1) Think beautiful thoughts.
(2) Throw up.
(3) Stagger around your home in a state of undress, clutching your flab, groaning in a peculiar way and holding your head at an odd angle.
(4) Throw up, in a more committed fashion.
(5) Develop a new interest such as pottery, tatting, watercolour painting, or throwing up.
(6) Keep telling yourself that you’re never going to do again whatever it was that got you into this state, not that you can remember.
(7) Listen to the curious humming/ringing noise in your ears. Is it the pixies, with a special message for you, such as ‘Join Alcoholics Anonymous’?
(8) Take a cold shower.
(9) Not like that, look what you’ve done now, you’ve pulled the whole shower unit off the wall, it was only installed last decade, there goes another month’s salary, can’t you do anything right, no wonder you’re a total drunk.
(10) Make a deliberate effort to throw up, only for some reason it doesn’t happen.
(11) Sorry. Spoke too soon.
(12) Build yourself an enormous triple-decker bacon sandwich with loads of tomato ketchup and sliced lard.
(13) Put it in a room you never go into, and lock the door firmly.
(14) See if it makes any difference to take a long vigorous walk in the moonlight.
(15) Realise you’re lying on the pavement outside your front door with a broken nose.
(16) Try to get back in the house, ideally without smashing any windows.
(17) I said ‘ideally without –’ (oh, what’s the point….)
(18) Be polite to the unpleasant policewoman. Make her go away.
(19) Attempt to sleep in the coalbunker.
(20) Write a list of twenty ways of getting rid of a hangover.
(21) Throw up on it.
(22) Add Toasty’s Futon to your sidebar. You never know, it might just do the trick. Nothing else has, has it?
Hats off to Simon of Amstelladagain for having the sheer British pluck to add Toasty’s Futon not just to his sidebar but to its ‘Would like to meet’ section. You’re a brave man sir, and if you don’t object to my severe cerebral halitosis and fondness for Nazi marching songs we should have a memorable evening (you’re paying).
PETER said…
Is that the same Simon Amstell that's on Channel Four on a Sunday afternoon? He's good. Very laid back.
WILLIE LUPIN said…
Thanks for reminding me why I gave up drinking and became the boring bastard I am today.
TOASTY replied…
Peter – this particular Simon is in Hungary, I gather. But I suppose if you’re really, really laid back you can do anything you like, including appearing on Channel Four despite being at the other end of Europe. I know someone who appeared on Channel Four while living at the east end of a certain well-known street in Leith that is infinitely further away than Hungary in real terms, or used to be.
Willie – yes, I gathered we’d both been there, though these days I’m merely an occasional visitor. Tourist visa, if you will.
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