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Gems from the Poets
‘Hello, Adult Education? I’d like to apply for spelling lessons’ ~ Chaucer
‘Damn, he got there before me’ ~ Shakespeare
‘Have you any idea how depressing it is to write entirely in clichés?’ ~ Milton
‘I urgently need to lick heroin off your artificial breasts’ ~ Dryden
‘On the other hand, I get into cinemas half price’ ~ Pope
‘Nature’s crap. Give me a housing estate any day’ ~ Wordsworth
‘This time I’ve made up my mind and there’s no turning back’ ~ Coleridge
‘Glug, glug, glug’ ~ Shelley
‘I’m reinventing myself as a Swindon grocer with an interest in home improvement’ ~ Byron
‘Mr Cortez, as your doctor I must warn you you’re becoming alarmingly stout’ ~ Keats
‘Whenever I try––– To say anything––– These f***ing––– ––––––––– ––– things ––– Get in the f***ing way –––’ ~ Emily Dickinson
‘Hallam? Sorry, don’t recall the name.’ ~ Tennyson
‘I da baddest gangsta in da hood, wid my bitches.’ ~ Coventry Patmore
‘How many more decades before I reach puberty?’ ~ Swinburne
‘Clear off, find your own cardboard box, mate’ ~ Francis Thompson
‘Why does no one ever ask me what I was doing before the war?’ ~ Wilfred Owen
‘Hey, chill out man, it’s cool, it’s a groove.’ ~ T S Eliot
‘You don’t mean to say men seriously do that kind of thing with each other?’ ~ Auden
‘Tonight I’m taking the phone off the hook and slobbing out in my tracksuit bottoms with a pizza and a four-pack in front of the telly’ ~ Dame Edith Sitwell
‘If you think it’s easy, just you try making an entire career out of listing the names of your relations’ ~ Robert Lowell
‘Personally I prefer out-of-the-way holiday spots. Never been keen on capitals’ ~ cummings
‘Nothing beats a good out-of-town hypermarket’ ~ Betjeman
‘Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, what a wonderful day!’ ~ Larkin
‘There’s a lot to be said for decorum and self-restraint’ ~ Ginsberg
‘Argh! It bit me, it bit me, Mummy!’ ~ Ted Hughes
‘Jesus loves you!’ ~ R S Thomas
‘Ben Jonson would have taken as much acid as I do if he’d had to put up with the same sort of shit’ ~ Thom Gunn
‘Hide the stiffs in the walk-in fridge until midnight, then we’ll bury them under the flyover’ ~ Wendy Cope
‘Don’t you look at my Rottweiler like that, ya wanker’ ~ U A Fanthorpe
VICUS SCURRA said…
"If the ploughman is going home, I'll fuck off as well. It's getting dark anyway." Thomas Gray.
PETER said…
I see they're wasting the Council tax on effing daffodils again this year... (You know who!)
Anybody got a fucking atlas? (Masefield.)
Don't speak to strangers unless you've got loads of time. (Coleridge)
That'll teach yer to shoot yer mouth off. (Shelley)
CAROLINEM said…
"Mine's a pint." Socrates.
TOASTY replied…
I think that was me, actually.
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