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Today’s Biography
In a nation of amateur psychologists, Sir Kneejerk Saloon-Barr was revered as the greatest of all.
Between 1902 (when he scrawled a memorandum denouncing the motives of the obstetrician who had just delivered him) and 1988 (when he committed suicide by throwing himself under Claire Rayner) he did more than anyone else to raise the prestige of amateur psychologists to the same level as bailiffs, loan sharks and the composers of novelty Christmas singles.
Just some of the beliefs he helped to popularise:
► You know what’s wrong with you, don’t you? You just need to pull yourself together!
► When a woman says ‘Under the terms of this injunction you are forbidden to come within half a mile of my home or my workplace or attempt to communicate with me by any means, on pain of arrest and imprisonment,’ she means ‘Yes!’
► Corporal punishment never did me any harm – I was a foaming bigot with heavily scarred buttocks already!
► When my daughter disembowelled herself I knew she was merely seeking attention so I ignored her completely until the smell became prohibitive and do you know what? She never tried it again!
Awarded the British Empire Medal in 1975 for his services to underfloor heating, he was considered the foremost thinker of his generation by all members of the Gentiles-Only, If-They’re-Black-Send-’Em-Back, Hermann Goering Memorial Golf Club, Harrogate.
TOMORROW: Amelia de Can’t-Scrape-Up-The-Energy-To-Change-The-Library-Books-This-Year (1877-1959). She did what no woman had ever done before: NOTHING.
VICUS SCURRA said…
WHAT! He died in 1988? Then who has been my MP for the last 17 years?
CAROLINEM said…
Nasty way to go though, you have to say.
TOASTY replied…
Vicus: I understand there are one or two Kneejerk Saloon-Barr tribute bands.
Alternatively, are you sure your MP isn’t being postmodern and ‘ironic’?
TOASTY replied…
Caroline: it was a merciful deliverance – he was suffering from Alzheimer’s Syndrome By Proxy and believed all his doctors were demented.
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