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Pigeons: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
In today’s Britain, thousands of people are having bad experiences with pigeons.
It starts quite innocently. You encounter a flock of pigeons. Perhaps they are flying about or something of that kind. Perhaps they defecate on someone you dislike.
You begin to trust them. You lower your guard.
Before you know it, one pigeon becomes fixated on you. When you open the curtains in the morning, there it is, sitting outside, staring in. When you go to work, it follows you there and hangs around all day waiting for you to come out. When you go to the supermarket, it rides in your trolley.
You become nervous.
At this point you should start keeping a record of everything the pigeon is doing. Some people find this boring, as pigeons are capable of only a limited range of actions.
Take care in describing its appearance. Ask yourself, what makes this pigeon stand out from all the others? Perhaps it has plumage in varying shades of grey, or emits a reassuring ‘whoorrh-whoorrh’ sound. These details can assist police.
One morning you find your car is parked in not quite the place you left it the previous night. It is at an odd angle to the kerb. There is a dent in the front bumper and the nearside wing-mirror is hanging off. On the steering wheel and driving seat are grey feathers.
You decide to visit your estranged wife to talk about these difficulties. She welcomes you and says she’s sure you won’t mind if her new best friend sits in on your conversation. When she ushers you into her living room you find ‘your’ pigeon perched on the back of the best armchair with an infuriating expression on its face.
At this point you probably decide to go on holiday.
You evade the pigeon by sneaking out of your home at four in the morning disguised as a flowering shrub. It works, and you have a wonderful holiday, and are sure you’ve got your confidence back.
Arriving home, you discover that all the locks have been changed.
You can hear music coming from inside, interspersed with raucous squawks. Through the window you see the floor is strewn with discarded Seventies album covers, empty beer cans and hypodermic syringes.
At this point it may be helpful to kick the front door in.
In your study the pigeon is seated at your desk, wearing red braces and ridiculously large red-framed spectacles. It is surfing the web and entering into misguided contracts with West African spammers, claiming it is you.
You are penniless.
After your home is repossessed you will probably get a bed in a hostel. The pigeon will insist on sharing it. You learn that it snores, has nightmares, and can’t stop calling you ‘Cheryl’.
You must now resist the temptation to have a nervous breakdown.
But the pigeon is stronger than you are. Before you know it, the pigeon is in your head. You can feel it in your brain, flapping away. You can feel it defecating down your throat.
Your very soul is gripped by a malignant beak that will never, NEVER let go.
[Just follow this simple advice, kids, and you can kiss goodbye to pigeon-related problems!]
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