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The wildlife that lives on YOUR BODY
So you’ve just had a shower, and washed your hair, and plastered yourself with trendy unguents, and spent half an hour with your home colonic-irrigation kit, and now you’re standing in front of a full-length mirror looking pink and warm and squeaky-clean. You couldn’t be less infested with noxious parasites. Right? Wrong.
The horrid truth is that no matter how hard you scrub and exfoliate, hundreds of unappealing creatures are fighting, breeding and indulging in antisocial behaviour on your skin right now.
Here are just some of the weirdoes who use your body the way crack addicts use a Gorbals tower block scheduled for demolition:
♦ Thargs: Pale, squishy, obese, translucent, rather like maggots without the charm, thargs dwell in your armpits and play very loud heavy metal music all night at a frequency too high for you to hear it.
♦ Grobulins: Inhabiting the cracks under the wings of your nose, grobulins devote themselves to incest, date-expired pizza and writing sub-literate letters to the Daily Star demanding the castration of all known flautists.
♦ Chiselgraves: These slimy, hump-backed, BNP-voting little bleeders spend all their time travelling across your scalp from one ear to the other, for no obvious reason.
♦ Vommlets: Vommlets build nests in the gaps between your toes. They claim to be linked to the UFF and fight ruthlessly to gain control of the drug trade as far north as your calves and knees – a curious ambition as they themselves never have any drugs to sell you, and if asked for heroin will proffer a bag of Fisons mixed with talcum powder and then run off before you can pay.
♦ Gwidges: Gwidges don’t actually live on your body – they merely own your pubic hair and rent it out to undesirable tenants such as chafing-worms, queeve-boilers and perv-u-lecks. The only advice the police can give the neighbours is to move somewhere else, but that’s not easy when the creases under your buttocks are already filled with – no, no, you really don’t need to hear it.
[This has been a public service announcement]
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