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Interpreting Your Dreams
A lot of people talk complete rubbish about this. It’s like they think you’ve got no chance of understanding your dreams unless you’re a mystic or an expert on Freud or something. In fact all you need is this extremely simple table of
compiled by me, and I know what I’m talking about because I’ve spent most of my life asleep and the rest of it sitting in the gutter with a bottle of cheap white cider wondering what my dreams (and the police) were trying to tell me.
So here we go:
(1) Tarantula: hostile vagina.
(2) Bathysphere: hostile vagina.
(3) Family size packet of apricot cheesecake: hostile vagina.
(4) Procession of small children with anemometers growing out of their heads: hostile vagina (probably).
(5) Traction engine: your father.
(6) Glockenspiel: your mother.
(7) Small collection of incunabula, donated to the nation in lieu of death duties: hostile vagina.
(8) Pantomime horse: your brother.
(9) Rubber mallet: your sister.
(10) Thunderstorm, with burning city: your cleaning lady.
(11) Black horse: death.
(12) Grey horse: misery.
(13) Off-white horse: managing to drag yourself along from one day to the next without complaining too much, except to your mates.
(14) Totally snowy white horse: who are you kidding?
(15) Green horse with sky-blue floral pattern: look, if you’re going to be silly I’m going to stop compiling this list, and then you’ll be sorry.
(16) Mountains: sex.
(17) Oceans: sex
(18) Elephant’s-foot umbrella stand: sex
(19) Old-fashioned bakelite transistor radio with no programmes on it apart from the Shipping Forecast: [all together now] SEX!!
(20) Sinister hooded figure: guilt.
(21) Two sinister hooded figures: deeper guilt.
(22) Fourteen sinister hooded figures: meeting of BBC Board of Governors.
(23) Penny-farthing bicycle: Oedipal phantasy.
(24) Jar of avocado paste: narcissistic cathection.
(25) Bernard Manning: a fat comedian who walks around his house in his underpants.
So there you have it, and as you can see it’s all perfectly straightforward and I don’t know why anyone pretends it’s difficult. If you’re reasonably bright and prepared to make an effort you can get the hang of anything, and I speak as a self-taught brain surgeon.
WEEBLEMAN said…
What about Fred Dibnah?
TOASTY replied…
No one has pondered the significance of Fred Dibnah without going irrevocably insane, so I can’t imagine why you think someone as well-adjusted as myself could possibly help you with that.
But congratulations, Weebleman – you’re my very first commenter. Allow me to award you this elegant crystal statuette of a lap-dancer sustaining a double hernia.
Having said that, I expected a comment box to look more elegant than this. We might have to plant a few shrubs or something.
HERMIONE BUTTS-PLURAL said…
Giant marshmallow...
missing pillow...
down in the mouth!
Hahahahahahahaha
TOASTY replied…
The answer’s a lemming, your honour.
Any resemblance between me and a missing pillow or giant marshmallow is purely circumferential.
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