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A Message from Dr Justinian Bolt
Could I just say a few words about some of the recent media coverage relating to an alleged person allegedly called Mister Howard Flight?
Some careless reporters may have given the impression that ‘Mister Flight’ is in some way connected with the Conservative Party. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I can say with complete confidence that this ‘Mister Flight’, if he really exists, which frankly I doubt, has never in his life had any association with the Conservative Party whatsoever. Nor is he the sort of person who would be welcome in it.
Today’s Conservative Party is inclusive, compassionate, and totally committed to the present level of public spending, give or take the odd £35 billion here or there. It has no truck with the kind of person who believes, as this ‘Mister Flight’ reputedly does, that schools should pay for themselves by reprocessing nuclear waste during break, or that the bedridden must be forced to compete in the London Marathon to fund their own care costs.
Above all, it has no place for the sort of individual who starts shooting his mouth off at election time about how we plan to do all sorts of things that we don’t dare talk about in case no one votes for us.
You probably remember a ridiculous story four years ago about another almost certainly fictitious individual, a ‘Doctor Oliver Letwin’, who was supposed to have said some preposterous thing that had absolutely no basis in reality at all. I’m sure you’ve noticed that we never heard anything about him again. So it will be with this (if you will permit me a moment of humour) this ‘Mister Flightless’.
Let me assure you that the next Conservative government, under the leadership of my
good friend the universally respected statesman Michael Howard, will shower everyone with puppies and bunnies and free giant packs of liquorice allsorts and cut-price holidays in exotic locations with the junior Treasury minister of your choice.
Yours, up to his eyeballs in clear blue water,
Dr Justinian Bolt
Precentor of Strategic Ideological Strategy, The Conservative Party of Great Britain, c/o Mac’s Snack Shack (closed due to embezzlement), Crap Lane, Barrow-in-Furness.
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